


Sheer Determination

by IvanW



Series: Stand-Alone Stories [54]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Explicit Sexual Content, Friends to Lovers, Gay Sex, JimCentric, Loneliness, Love, M/M, One Shot, Post-Star Trek Beyond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-23
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2019-01-21 17:31:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12462504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: Jim overhears some distressing news.





	1. Please Forgive Me

**Author's Note:**

> This is a one-shot in two chapters.

Sometimes he didn’t mind being alone. It wasn’t an unusual occurrence. Most of his childhood had been spent that way. At least until he got sent away. But before that, before Sam had left, Jim spent most days finding ways to entertain himself. Most of his classmates thought he was too smart or too cocky or too cute or…too something.

He’d made friends on Tarsus, but that hadn’t gone well.

And when he’d gone to the academy, well, he’d met Bones. He’d met a few others. Gary Mitchell, for example, but Gary went batshit crazy and decided he was a god with psychic powers.

Bones stuck with him though and that was good.

He got the Enterprise and he loved his crew, he did. And he was pretty sure he’d gained their admiration and trust, if not their love. His officers were friendly with him and occasionally he spent time with them.

It was all good.

And then there was Spock.

They were friends. At least Spock had finally admitted it while Jim was dying. And during his recovery he had acted like they were friends and things were good.

But once they got on the Enterprise, well, things got strange again. Spock wasn’t openly derisive like he’d once been. But he grew distant and spent most of his off time with Uhura.

Bones was great, he really was, but Jim supposed Bones needed a break from him every once in a while.

And so when they’d gone to Yorktown, Jim had spent his time there, before being called in by Commodore Paris, alone.

Everything changed with Krall, of course. All Jim’s doubts that had crept in about his place in all this disappeared.

He belonged with the Enterprise. He was the captain. And if it meant being alone the rest of his damn life, he had the ship. His beautiful lady.

There were still times he got bored. Still times he wanted to do anything but spend his time alone in his quarters. This was one of those times.

Bones was busy. There’d been a minor explosion on deck five that had caused a few injuries and as grumpy as Bones could be, he was grumpier still when he had casualties to tend to.

So he found out via the computer that Spock was in lab 6, so, after some contemplation, he headed there.

He’d made it to the outside of the lab when he heard the low murmur of voices. Uhura and Spock.

Damn, he hadn’t intended to interrupt a date or whatever.

“Spock,” Uhura’s voice suddenly rose. “You need to tell him.”

“It is…difficult.”

“Of course it is. But he needs to know. You can’t go on like this. We can’t go on like this. So the only thing to do is tell him. He needs to know your decision.”

 _Fuck_.

Spock was going to leave. 

Bones had told him about Spock maybe going to New Vulcan before all the Krall stuff happened. He’d heard that Spock and Uhura had even ended their relationship over it, briefly, as they were back together, obviously.

Which probably meant they would both leave.

“I cannot. To lose him as a friend—”

“You won’t. He won’t react that way.”

Of course Jim wouldn’t. He would support Spock leaving if that was what he wanted. But he couldn’t hear anymore. It was too much.

He turned around and went back down the corridor and to the turbolift. He willed away the tears that sprang to his eyes.

He was the captain. And he would get through this just like he got through everything.

Sheer determination.  

By the time the turbolift opened on to the deck with the captain’s quarters, Jim had himself together.

If Spock wanted to leave, then okay.

After all he’d never had the friendship with Spock that the ambassador alluded to when Jim had met him on Delta Vega.

He’d started to, after they’d faced Khan, after Jim was revived. He’d had the hope. Spock came to visit him and they’d played chess and they shared meals together. A time or two, Jim had even gotten Spock to laugh. He’d treasure those times.

When the Enterprise went out for her five-year mission, Spock went back to, well, being Spock. The friendship was there, somewhat. He was great on landing parties and always had Spock’s back. Facing Klingons, Romulans, former friends who turned into demigods. Spock was great.

But there were no more chess matches.

Barely any meals together.

If Spock and Uhura left, would it really be that different?

Maybe he was just trying to talk himself up to accepting it. Because honestly the thought of not seeing Spock anymore—

God, he had a headache.

Headache. Heartache.

What was the difference?

He entered his quarters and for a long time he just stood in the center of the main room.

When had this happened? How long had he been—

No. He would not give voice to it. It wasn’t possible that he wouldn’t have realized it before now.

Sure, he thought Spock was pretty great. And sure he’d grown to freaking love his bowl cut.

No. He did not just use _that_ word.   

It was just a hairdo.

And so what if he noticed the way Spock’s brown eyes changed color saturation with his moods. Sometimes more milk chocolate, sometimes more dark chocolate. So, Jim loved chocolate.

Liked. Liked chocolate. Hell, really, vanilla was a better flavor.

The way his lips quirked up at the corners when he was trying not to show his amusement. Anyone would notice that.

His terminal beeped indicating he had a message. Jim clenched his fingers and faced away from it. What if that was the notice from Spock? And Uhura. Right. Both of them.

**This is to inform you that I will be resigning my commission as a Starfleet officer. I will, obviously, be resigning as your first officer and your science officer. This resignation is effective immediately. You can shortly expect the resignation of Lieutenant Uhura. She will be accompanying me to New Vulcan to bond with me and become my wife.**

Oh God.

His stomach hurt. Or no. It was much higher than his stomach.

He couldn’t even walk over to his terminal to actually read whatever message he’d actually received.

Stop it, Jim.

Sheer determination.

_Stop it and get yourself some food. You haven’t eaten since breakfast._

Jim stepped out of the middle of his quarters, breaking the spell he’d been under. He went to the replicator and ordered a chicken sandwich and coffee.

He even ate it too while looking at his terminal and finding it was just an ordinary message from his mother telling how her day went. And if a tear slipped down his face while reading it, well, he wouldn’t tell anyone.

There was nothing remotely sad about her message.

The sandwich and coffee sat rather heavy in his stomach and when he’d done all he could to distract himself, Jim went and took a shower. A long, hot one.

He took himself in hand, something he almost never did now. To feel desire, to want, to need, that was something Jim rarely let himself feel these days.

But he did now. And as his fingers curled around his shaft, sliding up fast and sure, a bowl cut with milk chocolate eyes flashed before him. He came hard, shooting all over the shower stall, and he collapsed to his knees, panting in the shower.

He felt weak and drained when he got out, but his mind was clear enough to attempt sleep, so he entered his quarters and collapsed on the bed, willing it to be over and his brain to shut down for slumber.


	2. I Can't Stop Loving You

Jim woke up feeling reasonably well-rested. Which probably meant he hadn’t been plagued by nightmares.

Once upon a time they had been quite frequent. Tarsus, Khan, Pike’s death. Falling into the void when facing Krall on Yorktown. Even the monsters who’d chased him on Delta Vega haunted his dreams.

But as Jim settled into a steadier existence, one that seemed to more resemble normal than anything in the past, his nightmares lessened. He could go several days in a row without any. And he hoped that at some point it would be months.

He ate breakfast and had his coffee in his quarters, not really feeling much like wanting social interaction with the crew. Normally, he would. On usual morning shift days, he eagerly went to the mess to break his fast with Bones and others. But yeah, that wasn’t his current mood.

He had no real desire to face Bones and his endless nosey questions. He loved Bones like a crazy amount. But no.

He arrived on the bridge early, surprising the officers who had been on the previous shift. He dismissed them and took his captain’s seat. It amused him somehow that he was the first one there and had been sitting in his chair a good half an hour before Spock and the others arrived.

Jim acknowledged them with a nod and went back to the report he’d been given by a yeoman. After a while he rose and went over to Spock’s station. He noticed his first officer stiffen around his shoulders.

“Anything you want to talk to me about, Commander?”

Spock turned, surprise in his dark eyes, before he could hide it entirely. “Captain?”

Jim smiled. “No? Okay.”

With Spock’s gaze still on him, Jim made his way over to Uhura’s station.

“How about you, Lieutenant?”

“Sir?”

“Anything you’d like to tell me, Uhura?” He tried to make his tone pleasant, casual, inviting even.

 Confusion clouded her face. “No, Captain.”

Jim nodded and returned to his chair. So they intended to play it cool while he had to wait for the other shoe to drop.

Fine then. He was the unflappable James T. Kirk. He had a thick skin and an even thicker skull. Okay, he added that part for Bones. And his heart was cold and safe behind a block of ice. Nothing and no one would thaw it.

Sheer determination.

He’d played this close to the vest all his life. He wasn’t about to change. This was how he got through all the shit he’d gotten through. And there was plenty.

When his shift was over, he made sure he was the first on the lift to exit the bridge. And he could maybe be forgiven if he closed the doors in Sulu’s face.

Jim sent a message to Bones saying he’d meet him later for dinner in the mess, because after all, life would continue without Spock. He’d gotten by before Spock and he sure as hell would get by after Spock.

He just didn’t need anyone. Friends were great. A fabulous crew even better. But in the end it was himself he could rely on, just as his mother had once told him.

_“Don’t rely on anyone but yourself, Jim, and you’ll do all right.”_

At the time it had sounded harsh, but Jim had learned she was absolutely right. A valuable lesson.

Once inside his quarters, Jim pulled off his command tunic and tossed it in the laundry chute. This latest version of their uniform choked him and he was always quick to remove it. He sat on the edge of his bed and took his boots off too. His feet were hot and sweaty and he couldn’t wait to get the socks off.

He laid back on the bed, staring at the ceiling when his door chimed.

“Yeah, come in.”

He linked his hands behind his head and waited for Bones to greet him.

“Captain.”

Jim shot upright, staring in surprise at Spock. “Uh.”

“I apologize for startling you.”

“No, it’s…you didn’t. I just thought you were Bones.” He rose from the bed, feeling awkward. Spock hardly ever come to his quarters. Jim could probably count on one hand in all the years he’d known his first officer.

“If the time is inconvenient, I can come back at another time.”

Spock stood very stiffly in front of Jim, hands carefully clenched behind his back. And Jim suddenly knew exactly why he was here.

“Just…um. Let me tell Bones I’ll see him another time.”

“I can come back.”

“No. Let’s just get this done.” Jim went to his desk and picked up the PADD he’d left by his terminal and tapped out a message to Bones. He then turned to face Spock, leaning the upper part of his buttocks against his desk. He crossed his arms in front of his chest. “So. Standing or sitting?”

“Captain?”

He smiled faintly. “Nothing. It’s just an old Earth thing. Kind of like, well, do I need to sit down for this?”

Spock tilted his head.

“Never mind. Anyway, I know why you’re here.”

“You…do?”

“Yes. And I definitely get it.”

“Get it.”

Jim nodded. “I pretty much overheard what you and Uhura were talking about last night in Lab 6. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop but I was coming to find you. And to be honest, when I heard you, I did stop to listen. So yeah, under the circumstances I’m certainly not going to fight you on any kind of resignation.”

Spock was looking a little like he had the day Jim told him that he would miss him.

Déjà vu, Jim thought.

“I’m definitely going to miss you,” Jim said, figuring he might as continue the déjà vu theme.

“I do not understand.”

“Look, I’m not at all happy about it. I can’t lie. I wish it wasn’t true.”

Spock inhaled sharply. “I…it was not my intention to cause you distress or discomfort.”

Jim waved away that. “What I feel about it really isn’t the point. Obviously I’d rather you didn’t, but I understand your desire.” He took a deep breath. “I guess, I don’t know, maybe we’ve been living on borrowed time since we met, really. I think I always knew all that fated friendship stuff was bullshit. I let the old man convince me. And maybe you did too. But obviously it’s not working.”

And now he was rambling. Saying shit he didn’t even mean or want to say. But that’s what he did too. When under attack, flail out on the offense. Not that Spock was attacking him.

“Look, Spock, if your place is on New Vulcan helping to rebuild things then…well you should go. And of course you’ll take Uhura with you. And maybe the babies you have won’t be as purely Vulcan as they would want, but there will be some and…” His voice cracked. Fuck. “And—”

 _Sheer determination_.

He closed his eyes. When had he started to clench his fists? He didn’t even remember. His eyes had begun to sting, and fuck a duck, he would _not_ cry in front of Spock.

Jim forced his eyes open and straightened from the desk. “The truth is, I’m in love with you. I have been for, a long time, I think. I didn’t even know I was. Maybe on some level I did. I just know when I heard that you wanted to leave it hit me. And _God_ , I don’t want you to leave. But more than anything I want you to have whatever makes you content and if that’s a life without me in it, how can I possibly stop it?”

To Jim’s surprise, Spock closed his eyes and visibly shuddered.

“Spock? Are you all right?”

“Negative,” Spock whispered.

Jim rushed to him grabbing his biceps. “What? Spock? What is it?” To his horror, Spock was shaking. “Do I need to get Bones?”

“I do not need the doctor.”

“Spock, you are scaring me. What is it?”

Spock’s hands came up to cup Jim’s face with a suddenness that had Jim gasping. “It is _you_.”

“I don’t understand.”

“That much is clear.” Spock shook his head. “You bring me to this state. I try so hard to suppress my human side, my emotions, and then you speak of sending me away and I am a mess.”

“Well I—”

“Cease.” Spock shook him slightly. “You have had your say and it is my turn.”

Jim opened his mouth but closed it when Spock’s hands moved on his face. One to Jim’s jaw and the other to his psi points and for a moment he thought Spock intended to meld with him.

“I do not. But this is an intimacy I currently need.”

“With me?”

“Of course with you. I share your level of affection.””

Jim stared at him, open mouthed. “Then why—”

“Did I not instruct you to cease speaking?”

He felt a little affronted. But hopeful, too. Very hopeful. And okay. A little turned on.

“There is a basic reason not to eavesdrop and that is because your analysis of what you are overhearing may be faulty.”

“Was it?” Jim asked cautiously.

“You believed I came here to tell you I was resigning my commission to settle on New Vulcan, did you not?”

Jim nodded.

“And that—what—I was taking Nyota with me.”

“Well—”

“What we were actually talking about was her belief that I should confess my considerable feelings to you. I feared that not only were you incapable of returning my romantic inclinations but that you would choose to end our friendship as well.”

“Are we friends?” Jim asked, because he had to, really. “Because sometimes, I don’t know, it doesn’t feel like it.”

“I apologize, Jim. My emotions regarding you are at times so intense I chose to distance myself from you rather than chance the very real possibility you would discover my true feelings.”

“Spock.”

“And then, when I decided perhaps Nyota was right and I should speak to you, it appeared that all my fears were realized as you—”

“Spoke of you leaving. You thought I was getting rid of you.”

“The thought did occur to me.”

“I’m sorry,” Jim said softly. “It’s just…I’ve only realized…God, you’re everything.” He tapped his forehead. “It’s got me a little fucked up in here.”

“I admit to feeling a great amount of relief knowing that you share my feelings.”

“Yeah?” Jim smiled. “This feels a little like I’m dreaming.”

Spock’s eyes grew very warm. “May I kiss you?”

“I wish you would.”

Spock lowered his lips to Jim’s, pressing against them with tentative touch, as though he were still unsure of his welcome or perhaps what it would be like to kiss Jim.

His hands were shaking on Jim’s face as he broke the kiss.

“Hey, you all right?”

Spock swallowed visibly. “I am in…awe of you.”

Jim’s heart fluttered. “You say things like that I am going to fall in love with you even more.”

Spock’s lips quirked. “I would be most agreeable to that.”

Jim leaned in and kissed Spock. It was no tentative shy kiss as Spock’s had been, but filled with all the love and passion Jim had been repressing deep within himself. As he pressed deeply, Spock made a little gasping sound, opening his mouth beneath Jim’s so that Jim was able to slip his tongue inside.

Spock’s hands dropped from Jim’s face but to slide down his body, down his back and to Jim’s ass, where they rested. Well, where they squeezed, and pushed their crotches together so that they rubbed the hard ridges together.

“Oh, fuck,” Jim gasped against Spock’s lips.

“Indeed,” Spock said with a nod.

“Do you—are we—?”

“Yes. Now.”

His head swimming a bit with red hot desire inflaming him, Jim moaned as Spock moved him to the bed and pushed him down, flat on his back.

Spock pounced on him, his dark eyes turned black and stormy, as he trapped Jim beneath his overpowering weight. He pushed down on Jim, their still clothed cocks rubbing against each other, drawing a cry from Jim’s lips.

His mouth descended on Jim’s, devouring, claiming, until he was breathless, yearning. When Spock’s hand moved between their bodies to cup Jim’s erection, he thought he might just die from the intensity, the electricity shooting up his shaft and straight to his balls.

“Spock,” he whined out. “Please. Please I—” Spock squeezed and Jim keened.

“What is it you want, _Captain_? What do you need?”

The stress on his title nearly made him come right then. He bit his lip, trying to control it. It was too soon. He wanted to hold it in. Make it last.

“Want-want you to fuck me,” he groaned out.

“Want or need?”

And the calmness in his voice, just made Jim crazier. “Both.”

Spock’s fingers flicked open the fastenings on Jim’s pants. “Tell me.”

As Spock freed Jim’s cock from the constraints of his uniform pants and briefs, he cried out.

“Jim,” Spock said in a commanding voice.

Jim licked his lips. “Please. I need you to fuck me.”

Spock’s breath hitched as he leaned back to pull off his uniform shirts, tossing them out of sight. He then reached down and rendered Jim’s undershirt in two. Jim was torn between thinking it was the hottest thing and thinking damn something else to explain to the quartermaster. Hot won out as Spock stood up to remove his trousers.

As Spock’s long, thick, double ridged cock was exposed, Jim nearly swallowed his tongue.

“Beautiful,” he whispered reverently.

He was pretty sure under other circumstances Spock would give him the _Illogical Human_ look. But the look he got instead scorched him.

Jim noticed that Spock’s cock was glistening with fluid. He’d heard rumors, unconfirmed, that Vulcan cocks secreted a slick lubricating substance. He found himself to be enormously glad he could now confirm the rumor.

He opened his mouth to make some sort of clever remark when Spock leaned down and yanked off Jim’s own trousers and briefs, exposing the rest of his body to Spock’s smoldering gaze.

“You are the beautiful one, my James.”

He stepped over to Jim’s side table next to the bed and opened the drawer. He came back to Jim holding the small bottle of lube Jim kept there.

Soon he lay upon Jim once more, returned to kissing him, over and over, as though he needed to learn every taste there was to Jim’s lips. Warm hands slid down Jim’s body, stroking and caressing him everywhere until he was a quivering lust-crazed mess.

Jim tore his mouth from Spock’s. “Spock, you going to make me beg again?”

Spock shut him up with more kissing, nipping and biting until Jim couldn’t stop moaning and pushing up against Spock, desperate to be taken.

When Spock’s hands smoothed over his ass, Jim’s eyes rolled back.

“ _Please_.”

Spock slipped slicked fingers into him, going in slow and carefully, making Jim whine. This Vulcan was surely going to kill him.

He grabbed Spock’s head and brought their lips together in a hard, nearly punishing kiss, their teeth clacking together on impact.

The fingers slipped out and Jim felt himself lifted so that his ass and legs were tilted upward.

 _Finally_.

Spock shook as his right hand cupped Jim’s jaw and he pushed his cock into Jim.

He was big enough that for a moment Jim’s vision appeared to wink out as the burn of Spock entering him stole his breath.

Spock paused, allowing Jim to adjust to the invasion, his lips finding Jim’s once more in a kiss than was more about soothing than anything else.

Long Vulcan fingers moved to his psi points, and all the sting went away as though it never happened, and Jim was left feeling nothing but almost unbearable pleasure as Spock thrust within him.

It was the best sex of his life.

And God it was with _Spock_.

Spock was pumping into him over and over, deeper and deeper until Jim felt like he was floating on air.

He came powerfully, his whole body shaking with the force of it, cum splattering everywhere as the Vulcan above him poured his seed into him, their thoughts ricocheting around each other as Jim clung to Spock like a lifeline as he came down from heaven.

Jim came back to consciousness, not even realizing he’d faded out, laying on top of Spock, whose arms were wrapped very firmly around him. Sheets and blankets covered him.

“Spock?”

“Mm.”

“So you’re really here.”

“Obviously.” Spock sounded amused, but warmly so, if that made any sense.

Jim felt suddenly shy. He turned his face away against Spock’s chest. “You really love me?”

“Far more than words can ever say.”

He closed his eyes. “I feel the same.”

“We have wasted far too much time dancing around this, the two of us. We will waste no more.”

“You sound so sure,” Jim said, placing a kiss on Spock’s chest.

“This is forever for me, James Tiberius Kirk.”

“God, that sounds both scary and wonderful.”

“What do you fear?”

Jim shrugged. “I’ve never done this. Been in love. Sex and even crushes, sure. Everybody does. This is new to me.” He shook his head. “But not to you. You’ve been with someone for years.”

“I care a great deal for Nyota and her for me, but there is no comparison to what I feel for you, what we share.  You are my heart and my soul. My very katra.”

Jim smiled. “I had no idea Vulcans were romantics.”

“It is not widely acknowledged,” Spock replied with that same warm amusement that Jim was growing to crave.

“You’re just the best thing ever, aren’t you?” Jim meant it to sound half-joking, kind of silly. But it came out sounding terribly serious and true that his heart leapt.

“The best for you,” Spock said simply.

“We’re really doing this, huh?”

“Affirmative. And there is nothing you can say or do that will ever send me from your side.”

“Yeah?”

Spock’s hand went to Jim’s head, his fingers slipping into his locks, and massaging Jim’s skull. “I have something that you have as well.”

“Mm. God, that’s fucking fabulous. And what’s that?”

“Sheer determination.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.  
> I hope you enjoyed.


End file.
